I Will Wait

I Will Wait

Beautiful tale of a woman in waiting, let this be the walk we take as we seek His face and wait for our earthly mate.

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The Pursuit of Happiness

From the pit You took me

And placed me on Your lap like a little girl welcomed home

No longer am I lost

You found me and called me Yours

In ashes I was covered

As depression and self-hatred were my shield

No one could come near

But

You

Who desires me above all other things

Ran after me

You would not leave me alone

You kept pushing

You would not give up on me

Even in the darkest of times You were there

I thank You for Your faithfulness in my life

Your love that never fails

Your tender whispers revealed Your heart

Only You have satisfied my soul

You are now my everything

And I will never let go

I will never let go

The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Know

Love

Has been my best friend

And worst enemy

Love

Can be damaging at times

You give your heart

Receive

Nothing

You give it your all

Receive

Nothing

You try to work things out

Receive

Nothing

People say love is the answer

People say that love can cure anything

If love can cure

Then why do the suffering

Suffer

Why does the hate

Rage on

Why are the sick

Dying

Why are the broken-hearted

Shattered

If all we need is love

Then why are we all scared to love

We want to see change

But the change must begin from within

Without suffering

There would be no

Compassion

Without hate

There would be no

Hope

Without ever having a broken-heart

There would be no

Healing

A life without love

Is no life at all

Is love worth all these things?

Reality Check

I look outside my window and see the beautiful winter coat covering the earth below. I ponder and begin to cry as I think of what to write since it’s been a long and hard road. Sometimes it’s hard for me to think of spring and summer, when you are in the middle of winter both in the natural and in the spiritual. You think you will never see the sun again. I don’t know about you or if you have ever experienced this kind of ache that is in your heart and the very depths of your soul. I feel nothing and everything all at the same time. Have you ever experienced that? That something is missing in your life? The ache in my heart is to truly know the Lord. I want to go higher and deeper into the knowledge of who He is and His love for me and others. I want to know not just the Lamb but the Lion also. For He is both not just gentle but a warrior who will stop at nothing to see His beloved ones set free from captivity.

 

 

I think about this year and the things I have and have not done. I worked myself so hard last semester that I didn’t even realize that I drove myself right into depression. It’s so easy to leave Wisdom behind. It’s so easy to just leave Beloved, run away and do your own thing. I hate it. I will never go back to that place. I can’t. The hour is too crucial. We can not compromise. We can not give into the things that are meaningless in this world. There are lives out there that the Lord wants us witness and be of good cheer to. We can not be selfish! Our lives are not our own. My life is not my own! It is yours oh God! It is yours! There is grace in this hour of waiting. There is much He is wanting to do. Much is required of us to obey and listen. Will we listen to Him? Will we listen to that still small voice. He will not shout. He is training our ears to hear to the quiet voice. There is a time and a season when He shouts and shakes, but in this moment of grace He is whispering. Waiting. Watching. 

 

 

Purging. Oh, how glorious and terrible it is. Preparation is when we never really know what’s going on, but know in our soul that a shifting is occurring. The Lord has been doing a lot of deep work in my heart especially in relationships. Holy Spirit has been showing me the walls I have been putting up and the reason I can not experience the Father’s love and Jesus’s delight is because of these walls. It is because of fear, rejection and self-worth. I have been saying to myself and the Lord that He was not worthy. I don’t deserve a good marriage or family because of my past, so really what I was saying is Jesus You are not worthy of my affections. You can not marry me on that wedding day because of my past, because I screw up too much. What I’m really saying, is that on that cross it wasn’t worth it. Your pain and suffering, to want to be one with me forever and ever was not worth it. I was agreeing with the Satan all those years ago when he would tell Jesus that before His last breath. Purge out the pride in my heart. For He is worthy, He is worthy. 

 

The Lord has been showing me His kindness and mercy. That no, we don’t deserve it but He is willing and loving to give it. He has shown me that it is always better to obey than to sacrifice. Even though you might screw up a bit or fall down, His grace is enough, His love is enough to sustain you and to keep you walking the journey. In this moment it is very hard to see, but only He has the truth and vision. It might not be a clear one but it is something you must run after.

 

I have said yes to the journey, even when I can’t see where I am going, feeling dazed and confused. I have said yes to obedience, even when it hurts and my heart feels like it will never recover. I have said yes, to being stripped from everything, and yet have everything that I need to do the Lord’s will. I have said yes to my King, yes to my God and I will trust in His leadership.

Once Upon a Time at Cinder Falls

A silent alarm fills the air

A blanket of wintry white

The trees in a deep slumber

My men in their foxholes

Waiting for the unknown

Death walks among us

These men of Easy Company

My soldiers

My brothers

As I walk among them I look into their faces

They are not the same as they once were

Joy has abandoned them

Fear consumes

The icy wind begins to burn through them

I tell the men the nightmare is almost over

Deep in my mind

The horrors I start to replay like a jammed up movie

Sounds that will haunt me forever

Faces full of despair never leave my sight

What hope is there?

That beautiful snowy day would soon turn into the nightmare that was to happen

Bullets grazed my face

Shells awaken the trees

Men scatter

I cried out to my brothers yet I hear nothing at all

Get in the damn foxhole I scream to myself my back away from the enemy

I begin to laugh

As I looked up to the sky and I saw fireworks not bullets

Not dead bodies but the 4th of July

Silence

No

Screams

I ran to the others

My brothers crying out for help

Instead of the smiling faces I remembered so long ago

Screaming in agony

Blood trails everywhere

My men were freezing

Dying

I felt helpless

When I look back to that day of days

I will never forget that my brothers and I stood together alone.

Freedom

Darkness had once consumed me

A long time ago

The father of lies

Abandoned me

Left me naked on the ground

His lies

Hatred

Selfish ambition 

Was like a blanket where I could find the way out

Abuse 

Pain 

Suffering 

Tears 

Like a waterfall stream down my cold wet face

My suffering is like the vast ocean

Never seeming to end

Tears keep falling

Mother couldn’t help herself so why would she help me

Father wasn’t around so why would he save me

Love is all I ever wanted

To be daddy’s little girl

Someone to talk to 

To be free

Free from this curse that envelopes my very being

I need to breathe 

But I suffocated in my tears 

Drowning in agony

I was lost

Alone

Dying

A slow and terrible death

 

Until 

The sound of the waking dawn came calling

He showed me love

Truth 

Freedom

My Father is there

By my side

He was there in the dark hours 

Through the many tears

He was there

He showed me everyday

But these blind and scabbed eyes could not see it

Every time I wake

He has given me life

The one thing my heart has desired

The freedom that comes… 

The unconditional love that comes…

The Man that satisfies

He is here 

Within 

 

My footsteps will still be in the sand

As the ocean waves try to wash their appearance 

My presence will still be there 

Waiting

Watching

For the love I have been longing for

My whole life 

What is this love my heart longs for?

Who is this person, that I desire?

Come blow upon this heart that is barely hanging on

Speak to me oh wise mouth

Take my hand and let us leap together

I will take you and we will fly

I am ready

I am ready to fall into Your loving embrace

I am ready to live for You

My Beloved I am ready

 

Breakfast @ Tiffany’s

Don’t you just love the smell of the kitchen in the morning? I have been eating eggs, bacon and an english muffin almost everyday for about a week now. The sound of sizzling bacon and oh when you hear that toaster pop, and you wish the bread would fling up in the air so you can catch it like you’ve seen in the cartoons. 

Or when you pour your favorite breakfast juice (mine is orange) and hear the lovely sound of the bottle makes when the liquid falls into the cup. Or even better when you look outside. Whether gloomy rain clouds or the sun shining through your windows, when your making breakfast. Nothing can ruin your day. Well…..  unless you burn all the food and your kitchen goes up in smokes and your freaking out so much, that you can’t even find the fire extinguisher. Then I could see your day being well… a bit depressing. Hey at least you can have a laugh about later right?….maybe?…..ok no.

It has been one of the most glorious experiences known to date by the chef in the making. I have just discovered that I really enjoy cooking. No not just enjoy, but love. Yes I am in love with food, and preparing it for my friends and family, even total strangers would be fine with me. I just want to eat, feed the world and let everybody be merry!

I know it’s insane and maybe a little strange to the common folk of this generation who always goes out to eat, or goes straight to the box of Mac and Cheese. Don’t get me wrong I love going out to eat and eating Mac and Cheese. But there is a world literally out their waiting to be exposed and needing to be tasted. Oh how the Lord delights in us to give us such a wonderful gift of hunger and fellowship.

Books

Don’t you just love the fresh smell of new books? The crisp printed pages and delightful texture of the parchment caressing your fingers. Divine. It has such a lovely feel to your hands and touches the deepest part of your heart that you never knew existed. Yet it awakens the very imagination you’ve been waiting to discover.

Books have such a special place in our hearts whether good or bad. We’ve all read something that has a sparked a flame within us. If you haven’t I would even encourage you to go a little deeper, search a little harder. You never know what you are going to find that will change your life. For example, when you go to a yard sale, not many people go with the intention of finding a specific item, people go to explore and rustle through things, to discover a treasure that is meaningful to them. That my friend is like a book.

You go to uncover the depths of dreams, ideas, adventures, facts, the meaning of life. In the whirlwind of storytelling there is a tale for everybody. It might be in a novel, a magazine, article, or the endless web. But words have such meaning and sufficiency, why not share them with the world, your friends, your family, the generations yet to come. What a gift writers have given to us to read of our past, present and future. There is so much to find in the books we have been given. Whether its the recipe of a delightful dish or a scene from the exotic plains of Africa. There is so much adventure to be read and shared with others. Let us dive deep into the lives of characters and hear their story. Let our hearts run as we come alive to the art if storytelling.

 

A Thousand Pieces

I can’t write

I am lost for words

I can not look in to your eyes

I can not feel love

Yours words to me were of comfort and kindness

And all I could offer you was hurt and sorrow

Thorns and needles

I just let them pierce you

Without even a care

I let you drain through the white sheets

I am a cold 

Broken

Denied time and time again

My heart was like a burning fire

Like a spirit waiting to be risen among the ashes

It calls my name

But I can not

For my flesh and spirit are too far gone 

Numb

Dead to the world

Now you are too far for me to reach

I begin to doubt 

Your breath is my oxygen

Why can’t we love

I’m scared

Tears stream down my cold hard cheeks

I can not

I can not love

I can not feel

I can not give you my all

It is lost in the black hole

It will never come back

I want to love you

I want to try

Fear has surrounded me

Left in the darkness

Naked and alone

But then you came

I thought I could never feel this way again

My heart arises from the grave

Buried beneath the dust I awake

My heart beats slowly against the rocks on the shore

Your body next to mine

Forever and always I am free