“Sometimes I si…

“Sometimes I sit and think. Would anyone in the world miss me? Even if they’ve never met me or knew me well enough to care? Then I think of Jesus and how He can identify with what I am saying. That these things though never personally experienced, He has known those thoughts and feelings since the beginning of human existence.”-Me

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Consumed

The kindness of your eyes puts a smile on my face

I am overwhelmed with the joy that floods my very being

Your love is like the ocean seas

Filled with life and has a depth like no other

It stings with an open wound, yet cleanses me

Your love

Reminds me of the tide

You come and fill me up to then draw me away into… the beyond

I adore the way you woo my heart

Your gentle touch and sweet words ever so change the nature of me

The storms come and go and try to over take me

But I cling onto the Rock like a little starfish holding on for dear life trying not to get swept away

As the violent waves try to take me I look up and see the light that goes round and round

I remember that Your word never goes void

That your words bring me life

That I can hold on to what is true and remain steady

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The Pursuit of Happiness

From the pit You took me

And placed me on Your lap like a little girl welcomed home

No longer am I lost

You found me and called me Yours

In ashes I was covered

As depression and self-hatred were my shield

No one could come near

But

You

Who desires me above all other things

Ran after me

You would not leave me alone

You kept pushing

You would not give up on me

Even in the darkest of times You were there

I thank You for Your faithfulness in my life

Your love that never fails

Your tender whispers revealed Your heart

Only You have satisfied my soul

You are now my everything

And I will never let go

I will never let go

The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Know

Love

Has been my best friend

And worst enemy

Love

Can be damaging at times

You give your heart

Receive

Nothing

You give it your all

Receive

Nothing

You try to work things out

Receive

Nothing

People say love is the answer

People say that love can cure anything

If love can cure

Then why do the suffering

Suffer

Why does the hate

Rage on

Why are the sick

Dying

Why are the broken-hearted

Shattered

If all we need is love

Then why are we all scared to love

We want to see change

But the change must begin from within

Without suffering

There would be no

Compassion

Without hate

There would be no

Hope

Without ever having a broken-heart

There would be no

Healing

A life without love

Is no life at all

Is love worth all these things?

Reality Check

I look outside my window and see the beautiful winter coat covering the earth below. I ponder and begin to cry as I think of what to write since it’s been a long and hard road. Sometimes it’s hard for me to think of spring and summer, when you are in the middle of winter both in the natural and in the spiritual. You think you will never see the sun again. I don’t know about you or if you have ever experienced this kind of ache that is in your heart and the very depths of your soul. I feel nothing and everything all at the same time. Have you ever experienced that? That something is missing in your life? The ache in my heart is to truly know the Lord. I want to go higher and deeper into the knowledge of who He is and His love for me and others. I want to know not just the Lamb but the Lion also. For He is both not just gentle but a warrior who will stop at nothing to see His beloved ones set free from captivity.

 

 

I think about this year and the things I have and have not done. I worked myself so hard last semester that I didn’t even realize that I drove myself right into depression. It’s so easy to leave Wisdom behind. It’s so easy to just leave Beloved, run away and do your own thing. I hate it. I will never go back to that place. I can’t. The hour is too crucial. We can not compromise. We can not give into the things that are meaningless in this world. There are lives out there that the Lord wants us witness and be of good cheer to. We can not be selfish! Our lives are not our own. My life is not my own! It is yours oh God! It is yours! There is grace in this hour of waiting. There is much He is wanting to do. Much is required of us to obey and listen. Will we listen to Him? Will we listen to that still small voice. He will not shout. He is training our ears to hear to the quiet voice. There is a time and a season when He shouts and shakes, but in this moment of grace He is whispering. Waiting. Watching. 

 

 

Purging. Oh, how glorious and terrible it is. Preparation is when we never really know what’s going on, but know in our soul that a shifting is occurring. The Lord has been doing a lot of deep work in my heart especially in relationships. Holy Spirit has been showing me the walls I have been putting up and the reason I can not experience the Father’s love and Jesus’s delight is because of these walls. It is because of fear, rejection and self-worth. I have been saying to myself and the Lord that He was not worthy. I don’t deserve a good marriage or family because of my past, so really what I was saying is Jesus You are not worthy of my affections. You can not marry me on that wedding day because of my past, because I screw up too much. What I’m really saying, is that on that cross it wasn’t worth it. Your pain and suffering, to want to be one with me forever and ever was not worth it. I was agreeing with the Satan all those years ago when he would tell Jesus that before His last breath. Purge out the pride in my heart. For He is worthy, He is worthy. 

 

The Lord has been showing me His kindness and mercy. That no, we don’t deserve it but He is willing and loving to give it. He has shown me that it is always better to obey than to sacrifice. Even though you might screw up a bit or fall down, His grace is enough, His love is enough to sustain you and to keep you walking the journey. In this moment it is very hard to see, but only He has the truth and vision. It might not be a clear one but it is something you must run after.

 

I have said yes to the journey, even when I can’t see where I am going, feeling dazed and confused. I have said yes to obedience, even when it hurts and my heart feels like it will never recover. I have said yes, to being stripped from everything, and yet have everything that I need to do the Lord’s will. I have said yes to my King, yes to my God and I will trust in His leadership.

Freedom

Darkness had once consumed me

A long time ago

The father of lies

Abandoned me

Left me naked on the ground

His lies

Hatred

Selfish ambition 

Was like a blanket where I could find the way out

Abuse 

Pain 

Suffering 

Tears 

Like a waterfall stream down my cold wet face

My suffering is like the vast ocean

Never seeming to end

Tears keep falling

Mother couldn’t help herself so why would she help me

Father wasn’t around so why would he save me

Love is all I ever wanted

To be daddy’s little girl

Someone to talk to 

To be free

Free from this curse that envelopes my very being

I need to breathe 

But I suffocated in my tears 

Drowning in agony

I was lost

Alone

Dying

A slow and terrible death

 

Until 

The sound of the waking dawn came calling

He showed me love

Truth 

Freedom

My Father is there

By my side

He was there in the dark hours 

Through the many tears

He was there

He showed me everyday

But these blind and scabbed eyes could not see it

Every time I wake

He has given me life

The one thing my heart has desired

The freedom that comes… 

The unconditional love that comes…

The Man that satisfies

He is here 

Within 

 

My footsteps will still be in the sand

As the ocean waves try to wash their appearance 

My presence will still be there 

Waiting

Watching

For the love I have been longing for

My whole life 

What is this love my heart longs for?

Who is this person, that I desire?

Come blow upon this heart that is barely hanging on

Speak to me oh wise mouth

Take my hand and let us leap together

I will take you and we will fly

I am ready

I am ready to fall into Your loving embrace

I am ready to live for You

My Beloved I am ready

 

Breakfast @ Tiffany’s

Don’t you just love the smell of the kitchen in the morning? I have been eating eggs, bacon and an english muffin almost everyday for about a week now. The sound of sizzling bacon and oh when you hear that toaster pop, and you wish the bread would fling up in the air so you can catch it like you’ve seen in the cartoons. 

Or when you pour your favorite breakfast juice (mine is orange) and hear the lovely sound of the bottle makes when the liquid falls into the cup. Or even better when you look outside. Whether gloomy rain clouds or the sun shining through your windows, when your making breakfast. Nothing can ruin your day. Well…..  unless you burn all the food and your kitchen goes up in smokes and your freaking out so much, that you can’t even find the fire extinguisher. Then I could see your day being well… a bit depressing. Hey at least you can have a laugh about later right?….maybe?…..ok no.

It has been one of the most glorious experiences known to date by the chef in the making. I have just discovered that I really enjoy cooking. No not just enjoy, but love. Yes I am in love with food, and preparing it for my friends and family, even total strangers would be fine with me. I just want to eat, feed the world and let everybody be merry!

I know it’s insane and maybe a little strange to the common folk of this generation who always goes out to eat, or goes straight to the box of Mac and Cheese. Don’t get me wrong I love going out to eat and eating Mac and Cheese. But there is a world literally out their waiting to be exposed and needing to be tasted. Oh how the Lord delights in us to give us such a wonderful gift of hunger and fellowship.

A Little Piece about Nothing and Everything

Sitting in the chair

Having nothing to say and nothing to do

I wait

I wait for your tender Spirit to come and awaken this un lively heart

The drums beat to match the rhythm of your Native American feet as you dance night and day

Day and night you see

The injustice that goes around in everyone’s head like those cartoon birds swirling around a cat

How ironic it is that the noise around is what helps us to be still and wait

Interesting that you don’t work like that

You in majesty and glory

Are always in the wilderness

Always hiding

Not from your beloved ones

But to beckon

To come dance to the wild beat of Your heart

How I long to dance with the King and yet I am afraid of the shadows that lie ahead of me

For what will I find in the deep and wild

I fear the darkness will overcome me if I do not find you before the night comes

Yet my curious eyes wander and excitement overturns the fear as I step in

I am overwhelmed by the smell of pomegranate and honey that causes me to thirst

I climb the mountain that lies before me and look to see the view

As far as the eye can see the land that lies before me is lush in greens, yellows, blues and everything in between

Tears stream down my face

I don’t know why

But I am so happy to be alive

And then a hand forms around mine and I look to see my Maker

My lover

My friend

You wrap your arms around me as we watch the sun set

Every dark deed that had an assignment today

Has ceased

For today I am alive

Free and loved

Some may think this has nothing to do with anything but I beg to differ, it has everything to do with everything

You see, you are the one sitting or standing, or whatever reading this little letter about nothing and yet something stirs within you

You can’t quite make out what it is, but you are burning

You can be the one to step into the wilderness

Climb the mountain

And let Him love you

The question remains will you do it?

Will you run into the nothing to gain everything…