I look outside my window and see the beautiful winter coat covering the earth below. I ponder and begin to cry as I think of what to write since it’s been a long and hard road. Sometimes it’s hard for me to think of spring and summer, when you are in the middle of winter both in the natural and in the spiritual. You think you will never see the sun again. I don’t know about you or if you have ever experienced this kind of ache that is in your heart and the very depths of your soul. I feel nothing and everything all at the same time. Have you ever experienced that? That something is missing in your life? The ache in my heart is to truly know the Lord. I want to go higher and deeper into the knowledge of who He is and His love for me and others. I want to know not just the Lamb but the Lion also. For He is both not just gentle but a warrior who will stop at nothing to see His beloved ones set free from captivity.
I think about this year and the things I have and have not done. I worked myself so hard last semester that I didn’t even realize that I drove myself right into depression. It’s so easy to leave Wisdom behind. It’s so easy to just leave Beloved, run away and do your own thing. I hate it. I will never go back to that place. I can’t. The hour is too crucial. We can not compromise. We can not give into the things that are meaningless in this world. There are lives out there that the Lord wants us witness and be of good cheer to. We can not be selfish! Our lives are not our own. My life is not my own! It is yours oh God! It is yours! There is grace in this hour of waiting. There is much He is wanting to do. Much is required of us to obey and listen. Will we listen to Him? Will we listen to that still small voice. He will not shout. He is training our ears to hear to the quiet voice. There is a time and a season when He shouts and shakes, but in this moment of grace He is whispering. Waiting. Watching.
Purging. Oh, how glorious and terrible it is. Preparation is when we never really know what’s going on, but know in our soul that a shifting is occurring. The Lord has been doing a lot of deep work in my heart especially in relationships. Holy Spirit has been showing me the walls I have been putting up and the reason I can not experience the Father’s love and Jesus’s delight is because of these walls. It is because of fear, rejection and self-worth. I have been saying to myself and the Lord that He was not worthy. I don’t deserve a good marriage or family because of my past, so really what I was saying is Jesus You are not worthy of my affections. You can not marry me on that wedding day because of my past, because I screw up too much. What I’m really saying, is that on that cross it wasn’t worth it. Your pain and suffering, to want to be one with me forever and ever was not worth it. I was agreeing with the Satan all those years ago when he would tell Jesus that before His last breath. Purge out the pride in my heart. For He is worthy, He is worthy.
The Lord has been showing me His kindness and mercy. That no, we don’t deserve it but He is willing and loving to give it. He has shown me that it is always better to obey than to sacrifice. Even though you might screw up a bit or fall down, His grace is enough, His love is enough to sustain you and to keep you walking the journey. In this moment it is very hard to see, but only He has the truth and vision. It might not be a clear one but it is something you must run after.
I have said yes to the journey, even when I can’t see where I am going, feeling dazed and confused. I have said yes to obedience, even when it hurts and my heart feels like it will never recover. I have said yes, to being stripped from everything, and yet have everything that I need to do the Lord’s will. I have said yes to my King, yes to my God and I will trust in His leadership.